


love, lost and everything in between

by bymine



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst, F/M, dead!lucas, edited: 01.15.16, grieving!maya, lucaya - Freeform, maya!centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 01:08:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4080748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bymine/pseuds/bymine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is weird actually, how grief makes your chest hollow and takes your breath away. Or dead!lucas and grieving!maya.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love, lost and everything in between

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 1 am and its not revised or anything so feel free to tell me if you find any typos or mistakes in general.  
> warning: This is my second attempt, (because tumblr is shitty keeps closing it self) and it’s not as good as the first one so I’m sorry.  
> Btw, english is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any mistakes.  
> 01.15.16: I have finally edited this fic. I like it so much better now and I hope you guys like it too.

It is weird, actually, how grief makes your chest hollow and takes your breath away.  
  
He is long gone now but the pain is not; it fills her, and at the same time leaves her emptied, with a hole where her heart should be.  
  
She develops various tactics to avoid conversations about him.  
  
Just look tired and about to cry to Katy and she will shut up for good. Do not pick up your phone and in a few weeks Shawn will stop calling, he was never one to insist, anyway.  
With Topanga is hard, she comes by their place unannounced - scratch that, Maya is the only one living there -, and she stays the night, the weekend if she has to, leaving in the morning to go to work and coming back at night. They talk and talk and talk, about art, music, her career, but never about him, Maya is not ready... She doesn’t think she will ever be.  
  
Is not that easy with Riley, she ends up just avoiding his name and any topics that may lead to him (their conversations are uncomfortable and filled with cringe worthy silence now) but she is getting better.  
  
With Farkle is easy not to talk about him because they are not talking at all, and she regrets all the stuff she has had said (it was mean and all lies and she feels like she is gonna vomit when she remembers that day but she was crying so so much and her heart felt like it was about to explode out of her chest and she just needed some relief, Farkle just happened to be near and ready to help) but everything is all too much and hurts so bad and she is sorry, so sorry and she hopes one day he’ll forgive her.  
  
She is constantly alone now, and she hates it, having to face her empty house, with a bed that is too cold; but she is not brave enough to can’t stand any human interaction for more than 30 minutes.  
She thinks about leaving everything behind,  the town, their friends, her mom; moving out, putting the house to rent or selling it. God knows she needs the money, but something – every single fucking thing - stops her. Because it’s not just her house. It’s theirs. She learned to call it home after they first moved in after college, when they were penniless but so so happy. And, sometimes if she tries really hard, she can still remember his green eyes all bright and beautiful the first time they entered the small apartment.  
  
She can almost feel his arms circling her waist in the middle of the night.  
  
Phantom limb, she thinks, recalling a conversation they had about loss and pain and it all seems too old and ripped at the edges, and she is afraid because she can’t remember his exact words.

When it’s raining and the windows are down, she lays in their bed with closed eyes and his favorite t-shirt in her hands and it almost feels like he isn’t gone. Almost.  
But then she open her eyes and everything comes crashing. She has nightmares about his hands in her spine now.  
  
All the neighbors are too nice with her now. Speaking quietly, their voices soft, just above a whisper. She hates them so much. It’s not as if they cared before.  
  
Zay visits her sometimes, visits are sporadic and they always leave her with a bittersweet taste in her mouth, but it’s not like they are friends or anything; They both loved Lucas in different ways and just the presence of one of them is a constant reminder to the other that the person they adored the most is now gone.  
  
He ever stays at their apartment and she doesn’t ask him to so it’s okay

It’s has been 6 months and today is Riley’s birthday. There will be a nice surprise party at her fancy apartment. All the Matthews will come and she thinks Farkle and Zay will be there.  
  
She doesn’t want to go.  
  
She goes anyway.  
  
It’s awkward at first, really. Riley is not there yet and everyone is throwing glances at her. But it only lasts a minute, or five, and then Auggie (“It’s August now, for gods sake!”) has his slender arms holding her frame and Ava is standing next to him. Hair in a bun, white-six-inches-high-heels, Prada she thinks, and a pretty pink cocktail dress, Balmain maybe, and she thinks she is supposed to feel under dressed but she doesn’t.  
  
She has always liked Ava and when the girl takes a step to the side to let her and Auggie talk she gives the blonde girl a small smile, the first one of the night.  
  
And she is laughing now because Auggie is bombarding her with news about Ava, being a senior and all the parties he has attended. And when he tells a particularly funny story involving him, Doy and a goat, she laughs so much her stomach hurts and she is wiping her tears when she looks up and she sees him.  
  
Farkle. Looking at her with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. Smackle is at his side, in tight jeans and a white and blue sweater, Stella McCartney, this one she knows, she has been eyeing that very same one, it’s too expensive and it looks better in Smackle anyway, so she mentally erases the sweater from her wish-list, she couldn’t afford it no matter how much saving she did but it’s nice to pretend.  
  
She lifts her hand and gives them a wave.  
  
A small smile spreads across Farkle’s face. Giving Smackle’s hand a little squeeze (she notices a ring, it’s simple and delicated and must have costed a fortune) and heads to where she is sitting on the couch.  
  
“Hey, Maya” Farkle says  
  
Auggie stands up, he is taller than her now, squeezes her left hand and with his right one, he leads Ava to the other side of the room.  
Maya’s body is tense and her breath is caught on her throat, she is scared and she misses her best friend. Farkle sits besides her, their knees almost touching.  
  
“Congratulations on the engagement” she says, her hand pointing to Smackle, who is now near the kitchen talking to some important looking guy “I wish both of you all the happiness in the world”

“Thank you Maya...”

The entire room seems too quiet now.  
  
“Look Maya, I’m really sorry I should have waited more, it’s just that-”  
  
“No, no, don’t apologize. I was wrong, I shouldn’t have treated you that way. Sorry”

"I loved him too" he says.  
  
"I know you did"  
  
Farkle smiles and she can feel the whole world getting brighter.  
  
His hands make their way to her hair, putting a strand of blond behind her ears, Maya holds his hand in place, intertwining their finger. Farkle gives her hand a small squeeze and the next thing she knows, she is trapped in a hug.

Their embrace isn’t long, it only lasts enough for Maya to hear his rushed apologies and for him to hear her saying the same thing back.

Riley is late. For her own party (“Why did you take so long?” “Because it’s a surprise party, silly. I need to be late!” “But you organized the party yourself and you were the one who send the invitations and everything.” “ Oh, shut up Maya”) and Maya is sitting next to Auggie and Ava as they recall one of their adventures, well, Ava is the only one talking but Auggie looks at her with the sun on his eyes so Maya doesn’t think he cares. The whole room is quite, listening to Ava’s long monologue.  
  
She, of course, already know how this particular adventure ends (they get the car back in time for the prom and the zoo takes a week to realize the goats is missing) but she stays next to them.

It’s been weeks since the last time she felt so safe.

When Riley finally arrives, hand in hand with Zay, everyone jumps and yells and there is fake surprise printed on her face but her smile is genuine and Maya feels like all the wait is worth it.  
  
The party is all laughter and jokes and she has no idea how but Doy ends up sitting on the cake. When the party is over and they can all head home Topanga holds her a bit tighter.  
  
“You have always been a daughter to me” she says and Maya eyes are filled with tears and her smile is so big she thinks her face is gonna slip in two.

The following week she doesn’t leave the house. It feels right. A ritual. Preparing for something big.

It's finally Sunday and she goes to see him. Her hands are empty but so is her heart so she doesn’t care.

It’s sunny but the wind is a bit cold so she puts on his green sweater and her old combat boots. She stayed a whole hour in front of her mirror trying to choose the right outfit. Not that he’ll see it…  
  
His gravestone is black and cold and there is a drawing of him resting on the marble.

Lucas Friar, it reads, then the date he was born and the date he was taken away from her.

These violent delights have violent ends, she thinks and then feels like slapping herself because she can’t believe she is quoiting Shakespeare. Matthews would have been proud of her.

His mother is there.

And she brought flowers. White roses.

Her shoulders are shaking with the power of her sobs but her hands are firm as she places the roses on the floor. His mother and him are so alike, they both are the same eyes and steady hands. They both feel like home.

She is ready to leave, to give them time alone when she calls her name. She is looking directly at her while she closes the distance between them and holds Maya in her strong arms.

They are both crying now and Maya is whispering apologies over and over and over until the woman sobs die down a little and she can hear what she is saying

“He loved you, darling. It’s not your fault. You were his soulmate and he knew it. I don’t blame you and it’s time for you to realize this.”

Her hands are grabbing the woman’s coat and her make up is smudged. And though her sobs she feels like she can breathe again.

“He loved you, Maya. And I love you too”

They leave the cemetery hand in hand and Maya still can't bring herself to say his name out loud but it feels like closure; she finally thinks everything is getting better.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> 01.15.16: the original version is here: http://bymine.tumblr.com/private/137367798219/tumblr_o10jsqub5A1qlla8i (it is pretty bad, so don't read it lol)


End file.
